As educators and leaders of educators, we (hopefully!) understand the importance of professional distance in our work personas. We are not here to be friends with our patrons or students, but rather to educate them or help to connect them with the information resources and skills they need. It’s important to establish rapport and even friendliness with the students you work with, and that friendliness will look very different in a kindergarten classroom versus a corporate training seminar. That said, as much as possible, the focus should always be the needs of your team or your organization, not you.
Professional distance is useful because it lowers everyone’s emotional temperature a bit. As a general rule, educators have chosen this profession because they care more about educating the next generation than they do about grubby things like money. That’s lovely up to a certain point, but devotion to mission can come with a dark side. It is all too easy to get overly fixated on a minor problem, or to feel as though any compromise on your position will lead to betrayal of your personal or organizational values. Almost every issue has a middle ground or a win-win approach, but it’s hard to see those opportunities when you’re too close to the problem.
Speaking of problems, professional distance makes it easier for you to give and receive constructive feedback. As a leader, I want to know when I’m being an idiot, because I can’t improve if I don’t know there’s a problem. Professional distance allows a leader to take in constructive feedback as data, not a personal attack, and to reflect on it calmly to identify ways that one may need to change in order to better serve their team and their school. If you can stay distant enough to minimize your defensiveness (or at least the outward appearance of defensiveness 😉 ), then you are actually both rewarding your team for giving you the feedback you need, AND modeling how you would like them to respond when it’s time for you to give them feedback.
When the tables turn, it’s harder to give feedback (positive OR negative) to someone who you consider a friend. Positive feedback can sound like it’s biased, and the message can be consciously or unconsciously discounted for that reason. Constructive feedback from a friend may be too hard to hear—or to say. However, when feedback comes from someone who is cordial but not close, and who obviously cares about the best interests of the organization, it’s much easier for the signal to come through the emotional noise.
All that said, there is such a thing as too much professional distance. For me (a somewhat introverted and analytical sort), It works better for my leadership persona to start off by keeping most folks at arms’ length and gradually allow them closer to (parts of) the real me as we get to know each other better. However, I’ve learned over the years that my natural personal style can appear a bit intimidating or dismissive to more gregarious folks, regardless of whether that’s my intent. Because I value a collaborative and low-drama team culture, I’ve intentionally changed my persona accordingly over the years. I strive to smile more, be visible, make time for small talk, show support and empathy whenever I can, encourage feedback, and generally make it clear that I’m just another flawed human trying to be better like everyone else.
A kind leader doesn’t necessarily want team members to become so close that they consider them a best friend or a therapist, but they do want their team to feel psychologically safe enough to come into their office with a question or concern. Being friendly without being friends is the core of professional distance in your leadership persona, especially if you are working to bring kindness into your practice of leadership. Empathy is the art of understanding and caring for your own emotional needs as well as the needs of your team members, to enable you all to more effectively achieve the organization’s vision. Empathy often comes up in various contexts in my monthly live zoom workshops–they are and will always be free, interactive, and open to all my email subscribers.
